Rough Draft #1
Workshop Questions
Overall
1. What do you like best about the paper? Be specific.
I like the overall topic presented in this research paper. You present some good arguments based on statistical data which is important when dealing with scientific matters because it provides legitimate backing of an argument.
2. Email the author and ask for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.
Thesis3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis? What argument does the thesis make?
The author does not clearly express his opinion of the topic in the thesis, in accordance with how the thesis statement should be set up for this class. All that is written is “If I could choose anywhere in the world to live, I would not pick a place on the coastline.” You then go on to describe why you wouldn’t want to live on the coast; so the argument makes sense, just need to clear up the wording of the thesis.
4. What group of people agrees with the author? What group disagrees with the author?
Environmentalists would agree with the author, people that agree that global warming is causing sea levels to rise, causing coastal cities to suffer the consequences. People that would disagree with the author would be scientists and others who believe that is warming pattern is cyclical and that according to historical data, although it is warm at the moment, it will begin to decrease again shortly, and has nothing to do with societies influence on global warming.
5. Does the paper have an argumentative thesis statement using ALTHOUGH and BECAUSE?
The paper does NOT have an argumentative thesis statement using the ALTHOUGH and BECAUSE method.Content6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest! (Friends don’t let friend turn in boring essays!)
On a scale of 1 to 10, I would give this paper a 5. It is an interesting topic, however if the organization and facts were cleaned up a bit, it would be much more interesting.
7.Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader? Be specific (e.g. “the 3rd is dullsville”; “the conclusion is really vague”).
The author can more fully develop ideas throughout the paper. Starting with the first paragraph, he jumps right from the “thesis” into his main argument. By his expanding his first paragraph with interesting and intriguing statements, it will entice the reader to keep reading. This paper if full of information and data, so maybe putting in your own opinion in some areas might make the paper a better read, than just a paper full of statistical jargon.
8.What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise? If there are none, go back to #3.
Someone that might disagree with the author’s viewpoint might question the accuracy of the data given, and if it isn’t data from a credible source, then paper might be thrown out all together.
9.Has the author dealt with these objections?
The author has not really addressed the other side of the argument. A paper can still have a counter argument, just not argued as much or well. However by bringing to the paper both sides of the topic, you let the reader decide what side they want to take.
10.Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?
Each paragraph has something to do with sea level rising, however could be polished to improve connection and sharpen the relevancy.
Style11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?
Transitions from one paragraph to the next are somewhat choppy, but that can be expected with a technical subject such as this one. Keeping in mind what you are going to write about in the next paragraph might help with the transitions. In the last sentence of the paragraph, setup the opening of the next paragraph by writing something that pertains to both of them. This is not possible for every transition, but it is an idea.
12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening?
The opening of the essay is not very interesting. It is a general and vague statement, and isn’t specific enough. A better one might be, the coastline of the United States and throughout the world are in grave danger. If I were to choose a place to live in the U.S., it wouldn’t be along the coast because of the potential sea level rises today and for years to come. By making it more specific, it draws the reader in, because they might feel personally affected.
13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction?
In this draft of the paper, there is no concluding paragraph. The paper ends with another paragraph dealing with salt water levels causing sea level rises.
Research14. How many different sources are cited in the paper (don’t look at Works Cited or References (depending if it's MLA or APA); look at the parenthetical citations. The medium does not matter.)
There are 5 times where he has cited quotes using parenthetical citations. However only once does he give credit to the author using the authors name before the statement.
15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?
I can not tell if he did or did not rely on just 1 or 2 sources because he did not have a work cited page in his paper.
16. Does the author have more quotes in his/her paper than personal opinion?
The author does not really state his own opinion, relies more on statistical data that wasn’t cited or sourced. 17. Are there any sources listed on the Works Cited or References that are not cited within the body of the essay? (This is a no-no)
N/A due to no work cited.
18. Is all the information retrieved from research, including opinion, ideas, paraphrases, quotes, and statistics, cited with in-text (parenthetical) citations? If not, list specifics of what needs to be cited (friends don’t let friends turn in plagiarized papers).
N/A due to no work cited.
19. All quotes in research papers should be commented upon. Does the author comment after every quote? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.
Does not comment after quotes.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Research Paper First Draft: Bottled Water
Research Paper First Draft: Bottled Water
The last time you went on a family outing, hiking trip, bike ride; did you bring water, and if so was it pre bought or did you fill up a water bottle yourself. Regardless of where you got it, chances are it is the same quality. Although bottled water is convenient and supposedly healthier, it has a negative effect on the environment and the world and therefore should not produced for profit.
50 years ago, bottled water was non existent. People actually went to the faucet, turned it on, and put a glass or bottle under it and filled it up. They didn’t have to spend money on a resource that was basically free. A person still has to pay an utility bill, but in states like Alaska, one pays a flat rate per month for water. Before the 1900s, bottled water was only purchased and drank by the elite of society, especially in Europe. Nowadays it seems like the rest of the world has caught on. After businesses developed enough technology (cheap plastic bottles) to make a profit off bottled water, companies jumped on the chance to sell a cheap product for 1000 times its worth. By the 1980’s various companies in total were producing upwards of 500,000 bottles a year1. This phenomenon seemed to gain momentum during the health crazy of the 1990s; people were suddenly trying to watch their figure and slim down, and seeing as water is a super healthy ingredient to success, society seemed to jump on board. The way people were able to increase their water intake, was not by filling up their water bottles or canteens, but to instead purchase pre packaged bottled water from supermarkets and bulk food stores (Wal-Mart, COSTCO etc).
With this newly popular product came a new industry for the taking. Drink super-powers Coca-Cola and Pepsi jumped right in. “Last year, we spent more on Poland Spring, Fiji Water, Evian, Aquafina, and Dasani than we spent on iPods or movie tickets-$15 billion. It will be $16 billion this year2.” According to a survey in 1999, it showed that the world’s bottled water consumption was increasing seven percent each year3. Society is able to justify to themselves paying the same price for a gallon of water as they are for a gallon of gasoline, and yet people continue to complain about the price of gas.
Although water is very healthy and everyone is encouraged to drink more of it, bottled water is detrimental to the environment. Pumping the natural springs of water can drain the spring and cause the ecosystems and the surrounding environment. Groundwater levels and downstream water supplies are taking a significant hit due to companies coming in sucking up water, inevitably affecting the communities. Another harmful factor in bottled water is the amount of water it takes to make a bottle. In order to produce plastic, it takes twice the amount of water than it does to fill the bottle. So for instance, it takes 3 liters of water to create one bottle of water, which is really wasting water4. “Furthermore, the effects on pollution, including greenhouse gas emissions, are decidedly harmful. Plastic is made from oil; an estimated 2.5 million tons of carbon dioxide (that is, about 0.1% of U.S. greenhouse-gas emissions) were generated in 2006 for the production of plastic for bottled water. Then, too, a significant amount fossil fuels and more carbon dioxide is generated in transporting the bottles to the water source, and then transport to other countries5.” And lastly, this new craze is contributing to landfills filling up. According to Tom Paulson of the Seattle PI, 90 percent of bottled water is not recycled6. Plastics are 25 percent of today’s landfill growth, and although bottled water is not the only plastic out there, it is safe to say that it still plays a factor.
Bottled water companies have done a great job at selling their product; as most people believe or once believed that its water was a better quality than general tap water. However a four year study by the Natural Resources Defense Council found that there is “no assurance that just because water comes out of a bottle, it is any cleaner or safer than water from the tap7.” The NRDC also found in their study that bottled water facilities were not tested as often as local city water plants, and that although the FDA does regulate bottled water, it is entitled to do so only if the water is sold across state lines8.
According to the United Nations, the access to water is a fundamental human right. UNESCO, an organization within the U.N. that looks into human rights issues around the world, reaffirmed this and designated 2003 the international year of water. This movement toward people paying serious money for water is alarming to the U.N., because for struggling economic countries, they might not be able to secure water of any kind due to the high price behind it. That is why UNESCO along with other watchdog agencies are looking into ways to make sure that it never comes to countries not being able to secure water for its people.
The bottled water phenomenon is headed down a deadly path. According to an article by Alys Edwards, “the demand for fresh water will exceed availability by 56 percent by the year 2025.” This is an alarming statistic, because water is a guaranteed human right, and should not be a commodity for sale. Some economists describe bottled water as “Blue Gold” because it could become a trillion dollar industry if the demand for it steadily increases as it has been.
All of this information is useless we take serious measures to stop this growing problem of purchasing bottled water. People from around the world have begun to take different approaches toward reducing the number of bottles. The city of San Francisco recently decided to stop purchasing bottled water for its city employees. This move will save the city and its taxpayers roughly $500,000. It is also a show of faith to the municipal water source, which according to the article, comes from a very clean reservoir in Yosemite National Park. California contributes to 23% of bottled water usage in the United States, which is far too much9. This move by the mayor is the first step toward regressing back to the age of tap water; an equally clean, cheaper, and less of an environmental impact.
On the other coast of the United States, Smith College is taking a proactive grassroots stance to combat the growing problem environmental problem of bottled water. Each student enrolled on campus this fall 2007 will be given a free water bottle, complete with hooks to attach to a backpack. By giving each student a bottle, it will replace the bottled water once given out at the dining hall’s Grab and Go. Although this may be just a local movement, it is still cutting down on the amount of empty bottles in the hope that someday, the rest of society will get the message and begin to ease up on bottled water consumption10.
Bottled Water has even made it into our churches. This article by Martin Mittelstaedt provides a different viewpoint to the issue of bottled water. The article still attacks bottled water and believes it is the wrong choice; however it isn’t all based on environmental reasoning. Strangely enough, some religious communities in Canada have spoken on the “extravagantly wasteful way of quenching a thirst” or bottled water. They feel water is an element of life, and shouldn’t be used as a way to make profit. The moral issue of the sale of water is disheartening to the religious groups, who claim that water is “a scared gift from God.” So they have stopped allowing bottled water in the churches, or the ability to sell them at church functions12.
The International Bottled Water Association is association that presumably represents the major corporations responsible for the distribution of bottled water for profit. The IBWA still sees a need for bottled water in society to help replenish our bodies with this liquid needed in order to survive. As far as the environmental impact that bottled water has, they leave that in the hands of consumers. They feel that if the bottles are recycled properly, there would be no issue. They also answer the issue that they (bottled water companies) are extracting large amounts of groundwater according to their critics. However they point out that other industries such as the oil industry take way more from the ground; therefore not really answering the environmental question, but just putting blame on someone else.
The bottled water craze has shown no sign of stopping. It is still growing at a constant rate, growing substantially more each year. Society loves the convenience and healthy aspects of the water. What most people don’t know is the true harmful affects that bottled water creates for the world. Until we educate the world on the harmful effects of this water, people will continue to buy the product. Commercial advertising have done a great job selling their product; and it will take countless public service announcements that bring the topic to light. So the next time you go on that camping trip or bike ride, fill up your water bottle with tap water, because you will be saving the world from potential environmental hazards.
References:
1. American Beverage Association. (2007). History of Bottled Water. Retrieved Oct 24, 2007 from http://www.ameribev.org/all-about-beverage-products-manufacturing-marketing-consumption/americas-beverage-products/bottled-drinking/history/index.aspx
2. Fishman, Charles. (July, 2007). Message in a bottle. Fast Company. Retrieved Oct. 9, 2007 from http://www.fastcompany.com/magazine/117/features-message-in-a-bottle.html
3. Ferrier, Catherine.(2001, April). Bottled Water: Understanding Social Phenomenon. WWF. Retrieved Oct. 8, 2007 from http://assets.panda.org/downloads/bottled_water.pdf
4. Owen, James. (2006, Feb 24). Bottled Water isn’t healthier than tap. National Geographic News. Retrieved Oct 9, 2007 from http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/02/0224_060224_bottled_water_2.html
5. Owen, James. (2006, Feb 24). Bottled Water isn’t healthier than tap. National Geographic News. Retrieved Oct 9, 2007 from http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/02/0224_060224_bottled_water_2.html
6. Paulson, Tom. (2007, Apr 19). Thirst For bottled Water may hurt Environment. Seattle PI. Retrieved Nov. 2, 2007 from http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/312412_botwaterweb.html.
7. Owen, James. (2006, Feb 24). Bottled Water isn’t healthier than tap. National Geographic News. Retrieved Oct 9, 2007 from http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/02/0224_060224_bottled_water_2.html
8. Food and Water Watch. (2006, Jun). Bottled Up and tapped Out. Food and Water Watch. Retrieved Oct. 8, 2007 from http://www.foodandwaterwatch.org/water/bottled/BottledUpTappedOut.pdf
9. Scow, Adam. (2007 Sept). San Francisco says no to bottled water. Sierra Club Yodeler. Retrieved Oct. 8, 2007 from http://sanfranciscobay.sierraclub.org/yodeler/html/2007/09/conservation10.htm
10. Fuller, Carol. (2007, Aug. 23). Moving away from bottled water. Grecourt Gate News. Retrieved Oct. 8, 2007 from http://www.smith.edu/news/2006-07/BottledWater.php
11. Edwards, Alys. (2007). Bottled Water: Pouring resources down the drain? Environmental Ethics. Retrieved Oct. 9, 2007 from http://www.environmentalethics-sihe.co.uk/pdfs/ALYSARTICLE_Edit.pdf
12. Mittelstaedt, Martin. (2006, Sept. 23). The Religious War on Bottled Water. The Globe and Mail. Retrieved Oct 8, 2007 from http://www.newsdesk.org/old_archives/000866.php
The last time you went on a family outing, hiking trip, bike ride; did you bring water, and if so was it pre bought or did you fill up a water bottle yourself. Regardless of where you got it, chances are it is the same quality. Although bottled water is convenient and supposedly healthier, it has a negative effect on the environment and the world and therefore should not produced for profit.
50 years ago, bottled water was non existent. People actually went to the faucet, turned it on, and put a glass or bottle under it and filled it up. They didn’t have to spend money on a resource that was basically free. A person still has to pay an utility bill, but in states like Alaska, one pays a flat rate per month for water. Before the 1900s, bottled water was only purchased and drank by the elite of society, especially in Europe. Nowadays it seems like the rest of the world has caught on. After businesses developed enough technology (cheap plastic bottles) to make a profit off bottled water, companies jumped on the chance to sell a cheap product for 1000 times its worth. By the 1980’s various companies in total were producing upwards of 500,000 bottles a year1. This phenomenon seemed to gain momentum during the health crazy of the 1990s; people were suddenly trying to watch their figure and slim down, and seeing as water is a super healthy ingredient to success, society seemed to jump on board. The way people were able to increase their water intake, was not by filling up their water bottles or canteens, but to instead purchase pre packaged bottled water from supermarkets and bulk food stores (Wal-Mart, COSTCO etc).
With this newly popular product came a new industry for the taking. Drink super-powers Coca-Cola and Pepsi jumped right in. “Last year, we spent more on Poland Spring, Fiji Water, Evian, Aquafina, and Dasani than we spent on iPods or movie tickets-$15 billion. It will be $16 billion this year2.” According to a survey in 1999, it showed that the world’s bottled water consumption was increasing seven percent each year3. Society is able to justify to themselves paying the same price for a gallon of water as they are for a gallon of gasoline, and yet people continue to complain about the price of gas.
Although water is very healthy and everyone is encouraged to drink more of it, bottled water is detrimental to the environment. Pumping the natural springs of water can drain the spring and cause the ecosystems and the surrounding environment. Groundwater levels and downstream water supplies are taking a significant hit due to companies coming in sucking up water, inevitably affecting the communities. Another harmful factor in bottled water is the amount of water it takes to make a bottle. In order to produce plastic, it takes twice the amount of water than it does to fill the bottle. So for instance, it takes 3 liters of water to create one bottle of water, which is really wasting water4. “Furthermore, the effects on pollution, including greenhouse gas emissions, are decidedly harmful. Plastic is made from oil; an estimated 2.5 million tons of carbon dioxide (that is, about 0.1% of U.S. greenhouse-gas emissions) were generated in 2006 for the production of plastic for bottled water. Then, too, a significant amount fossil fuels and more carbon dioxide is generated in transporting the bottles to the water source, and then transport to other countries5.” And lastly, this new craze is contributing to landfills filling up. According to Tom Paulson of the Seattle PI, 90 percent of bottled water is not recycled6. Plastics are 25 percent of today’s landfill growth, and although bottled water is not the only plastic out there, it is safe to say that it still plays a factor.
Bottled water companies have done a great job at selling their product; as most people believe or once believed that its water was a better quality than general tap water. However a four year study by the Natural Resources Defense Council found that there is “no assurance that just because water comes out of a bottle, it is any cleaner or safer than water from the tap7.” The NRDC also found in their study that bottled water facilities were not tested as often as local city water plants, and that although the FDA does regulate bottled water, it is entitled to do so only if the water is sold across state lines8.
According to the United Nations, the access to water is a fundamental human right. UNESCO, an organization within the U.N. that looks into human rights issues around the world, reaffirmed this and designated 2003 the international year of water. This movement toward people paying serious money for water is alarming to the U.N., because for struggling economic countries, they might not be able to secure water of any kind due to the high price behind it. That is why UNESCO along with other watchdog agencies are looking into ways to make sure that it never comes to countries not being able to secure water for its people.
The bottled water phenomenon is headed down a deadly path. According to an article by Alys Edwards, “the demand for fresh water will exceed availability by 56 percent by the year 2025.” This is an alarming statistic, because water is a guaranteed human right, and should not be a commodity for sale. Some economists describe bottled water as “Blue Gold” because it could become a trillion dollar industry if the demand for it steadily increases as it has been.
All of this information is useless we take serious measures to stop this growing problem of purchasing bottled water. People from around the world have begun to take different approaches toward reducing the number of bottles. The city of San Francisco recently decided to stop purchasing bottled water for its city employees. This move will save the city and its taxpayers roughly $500,000. It is also a show of faith to the municipal water source, which according to the article, comes from a very clean reservoir in Yosemite National Park. California contributes to 23% of bottled water usage in the United States, which is far too much9. This move by the mayor is the first step toward regressing back to the age of tap water; an equally clean, cheaper, and less of an environmental impact.
On the other coast of the United States, Smith College is taking a proactive grassroots stance to combat the growing problem environmental problem of bottled water. Each student enrolled on campus this fall 2007 will be given a free water bottle, complete with hooks to attach to a backpack. By giving each student a bottle, it will replace the bottled water once given out at the dining hall’s Grab and Go. Although this may be just a local movement, it is still cutting down on the amount of empty bottles in the hope that someday, the rest of society will get the message and begin to ease up on bottled water consumption10.
Bottled Water has even made it into our churches. This article by Martin Mittelstaedt provides a different viewpoint to the issue of bottled water. The article still attacks bottled water and believes it is the wrong choice; however it isn’t all based on environmental reasoning. Strangely enough, some religious communities in Canada have spoken on the “extravagantly wasteful way of quenching a thirst” or bottled water. They feel water is an element of life, and shouldn’t be used as a way to make profit. The moral issue of the sale of water is disheartening to the religious groups, who claim that water is “a scared gift from God.” So they have stopped allowing bottled water in the churches, or the ability to sell them at church functions12.
The International Bottled Water Association is association that presumably represents the major corporations responsible for the distribution of bottled water for profit. The IBWA still sees a need for bottled water in society to help replenish our bodies with this liquid needed in order to survive. As far as the environmental impact that bottled water has, they leave that in the hands of consumers. They feel that if the bottles are recycled properly, there would be no issue. They also answer the issue that they (bottled water companies) are extracting large amounts of groundwater according to their critics. However they point out that other industries such as the oil industry take way more from the ground; therefore not really answering the environmental question, but just putting blame on someone else.
The bottled water craze has shown no sign of stopping. It is still growing at a constant rate, growing substantially more each year. Society loves the convenience and healthy aspects of the water. What most people don’t know is the true harmful affects that bottled water creates for the world. Until we educate the world on the harmful effects of this water, people will continue to buy the product. Commercial advertising have done a great job selling their product; and it will take countless public service announcements that bring the topic to light. So the next time you go on that camping trip or bike ride, fill up your water bottle with tap water, because you will be saving the world from potential environmental hazards.
References:
1. American Beverage Association. (2007). History of Bottled Water. Retrieved Oct 24, 2007 from http://www.ameribev.org/all-about-beverage-products-manufacturing-marketing-consumption/americas-beverage-products/bottled-drinking/history/index.aspx
2. Fishman, Charles. (July, 2007). Message in a bottle. Fast Company. Retrieved Oct. 9, 2007 from http://www.fastcompany.com/magazine/117/features-message-in-a-bottle.html
3. Ferrier, Catherine.(2001, April). Bottled Water: Understanding Social Phenomenon. WWF. Retrieved Oct. 8, 2007 from http://assets.panda.org/downloads/bottled_water.pdf
4. Owen, James. (2006, Feb 24). Bottled Water isn’t healthier than tap. National Geographic News. Retrieved Oct 9, 2007 from http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/02/0224_060224_bottled_water_2.html
5. Owen, James. (2006, Feb 24). Bottled Water isn’t healthier than tap. National Geographic News. Retrieved Oct 9, 2007 from http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/02/0224_060224_bottled_water_2.html
6. Paulson, Tom. (2007, Apr 19). Thirst For bottled Water may hurt Environment. Seattle PI. Retrieved Nov. 2, 2007 from http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/312412_botwaterweb.html.
7. Owen, James. (2006, Feb 24). Bottled Water isn’t healthier than tap. National Geographic News. Retrieved Oct 9, 2007 from http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/02/0224_060224_bottled_water_2.html
8. Food and Water Watch. (2006, Jun). Bottled Up and tapped Out. Food and Water Watch. Retrieved Oct. 8, 2007 from http://www.foodandwaterwatch.org/water/bottled/BottledUpTappedOut.pdf
9. Scow, Adam. (2007 Sept). San Francisco says no to bottled water. Sierra Club Yodeler. Retrieved Oct. 8, 2007 from http://sanfranciscobay.sierraclub.org/yodeler/html/2007/09/conservation10.htm
10. Fuller, Carol. (2007, Aug. 23). Moving away from bottled water. Grecourt Gate News. Retrieved Oct. 8, 2007 from http://www.smith.edu/news/2006-07/BottledWater.php
11. Edwards, Alys. (2007). Bottled Water: Pouring resources down the drain? Environmental Ethics. Retrieved Oct. 9, 2007 from http://www.environmentalethics-sihe.co.uk/pdfs/ALYSARTICLE_Edit.pdf
12. Mittelstaedt, Martin. (2006, Sept. 23). The Religious War on Bottled Water. The Globe and Mail. Retrieved Oct 8, 2007 from http://www.newsdesk.org/old_archives/000866.php
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Grammar Girl: Run on Sentences
Run on sentences can be a nuisance when writing a paper. They can make your thoughts you relay on paper sound different from what you intended; a lot of the times making you sound dumb. However Grammar girl feels that you should not over think what you write, sometimes people get to caught up in it and it “inhibit your creativity.” The best way to combat run on sentences is to first find out what kind of tone you want to have with the reader or listener. Then you use your conventional skills accordingly to set the tone, for example GG uses the sentence, “I am a woman. I am a truck driver.” This has a strong tone, if you did not want to come across that way, one might instead say “I am a woman; nevertheless, I am a truck driver. It basically comes down to what kind of tone you are tying to set, and then using your conventional skills to make it happen; there is no set rule, more of just a feeling that one gets better with over years of writing.
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